I’m not a bad person. I care about the people in my life and I go out of my way to be nice to those people I don’t know. I’m an intelligent woman, strong and independent. Yet I can appreciate when people offer to help. I’m not judgemental and I support peoples’ rights to be who they want to be, even if I cannot relate to it. I am great to my animals and I try to help the strays that I see around town. I have high standards for myself–no cheating, no lying, no hurting others purposefully, take care of myself physically and emotionally, be as smart as I can in everything that I do and say–and I strive to live up to those standards. I don’t give up on things, even when things get hard and when things seem impossible. Overall I am a great person, if I do say so myself.
In the face of all this, though, I’m still a single woman. It’s hard to meet single people where I live–rural Maine–so I resort to dating websites. I use OKCupid and POF to try to meet people who are my equal–intelligent, nerdy, caring. I get a lot of random people that either live outside of the country or are just not my type–the kind that are druggies or uneducated or aren’t doing anything with their lives–and most of the time I don’t pay any mind to the people that message me. It gets frustrating when I don’t meet anybody who I could find myself being an attracted to physically and mentally. I find myself wanting to shut down my accounts and just resign myself to the fate that I see in front of myself–being alone for the rest of my life, with my animals and nothing more. It gets depressing and I have a hard time facing this reality.
However, sometimes there’s a random person that I think might do the trick. Educated, nerdy, successful, not judgemental–those are the rare gems in the grains of sand that I sift through on these websites. Sometimes we can bond over the television shows that we watch–Game of Thrones, baby, yeah!– and sometimes it’s about the education we’ve had–you’re working on your Master’s too? Awesome! They always seem so great; they say all the right things online to make me think that this might be something worthwhile.
But recently I have come to realize that even if I feel there is a connection there, that something could come of it, that doesn’t mean that it will end happily ever after. I’ve connected with a few people in the past couple months. We talk online, the excitement of getting a text from them becomes something I look forward to every day. We bond over our love of Harry Potter, Star Trek and Game of Thrones, or how we love to discuss life on an intellectual scale, or we talk about the plans we have to do together–let’s go to a fair, or take a ride on a train, or go to the beach and smell the ocean for the day–and then the next day, they fall off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again–hellooooooo, where’d you go??
That leaves me wondering if I am wrong about myself, if I’m not as good of a person as I think I am, that people just ghost on me–they come into my life, get me hooked on them like an addiction, and then just disappear. Maybe I’m not as smart as I think I am, or as interesting, or as pretty. Maybe this is karma for something I did in my past–I thought I’d been through enough already to pay for anything I might have done in the past that hurt somebody, but who am I to judge?
I am just not sure anymore. I feel lost and lonely and sad. I feel like I need to question everything about myself, that I can’t seem to keep a man’s interest, that they just up and disappear without explaining why–is it my fault, did I say something wrong, did you find somebody better, were you just not interested in the first place? What is wrong with me?
Why bother messaging a person if you’re just going to fall off the face of the planet? For real. Why do that? It’s selfish. Why say that you’re interested, that you want to get to know somebody, that you’re really interested in the person, if you are just going to disappear?