Lost and Found

When I was with my ex husband, I was miserable. We were always at each other’s throats, I was usually in tears, and it was just not a happy relationship. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but we were a terrible match. Now that I’ve had time to gather myself and look back, I can see it

My ex was a very extroverted person. He loved to have tons of people around him, from the moment that he woke up in the morning to the moment he laid his head on his pillow at night, even past that as he always was talking to people on his cell phone. I myself was an introvert, and still am. I value my alone time and the quiet that comes from just having one person in a room. When I spend time with people, I like it to be either one on one or just a small handful of people. I always felt that we never spent any quality time together, and he felt that as long as we were together, it didn’t matter that there were five other people or more in the room with us.

Even our interests were different. He loved to play video games and tabletop miniature games that took hours of time, almost eating up all of his free time. I liked to dabble in multiple things, from reading and writing to playing board games or going hiking. I liked to do things that I could hop from without being bogged down. So a lot of the time, we ended up spending our time apart.

The icing was our emotional differences. I felt that I was ready to settle down. I wanted to make a family for myself–a husband, a couple dogs and eventually a kid. I felt that he was the one I wanted to do this with. However, whether because I wasn’t the one he wanted to settle down with or because of the age difference(he was two years younger than me), it didn’t appear that he was ready to settle down. We went through many situations where infidelity was a problem–physically and emotionally. I myself, from the emotional damage I was going through, tried to connect with other people emotionally when I should have either stayed loyal to him or ended things.

Now to make my point here.

When I was with my ex, I wasn’t myself. I was angry all the time, had the quickest temper, never trusted anybody, and always gave in to what he wanted, no matter what I wanted or who got hurt in the process. I was weak, dependent on him and the life he provided for me, even if it wasn’t much of a life. I got lazy and just went along with whatever was thrown at me. I was a terrible friend, girlfriend/wife, a terrible sister, daughter, aunt. I left so many people in the dust, whether by choice or because of transportation(which I depended on my ex for). I was the worst version of myself I could possibly think of.

Now that I have had time to be alone, to think and rediscover myself, I am trying to be the best version of myself I can be. Some people may still not like who I am, and that’s fine, we can’t get along with everybody(unless we’re at work and then that’s called being polite, people, you should try it!). However, I have been able to rediscover who I really am and I am liking that.

I know that I am a giant nerd and fangirl. I love a LOT of things–Harry Potter, Marvel, Jim Butcher, anime, etc. And I am always ecstatic to talk about them, whether on Facebook, at work or with my friends. Even when they aren’t in to that specific fandom. I don’t care, I will drag you into the fandom kicking and screaming with my enthusiasm. Bwahaha.

I am an animal rights activist. I have my own Facebook Page, Richards Rescue Ranch–look it up!–where I post stories about me helping animals, or stories of animal abuse to raise awareness, or even just tips for training your dog and cat or for their health benefit. I eat less meat because I care about the lives of the animals that I eat and how they are treated. If that makes me weird, then I’m proud to be weird.

I’m independent and I hate depending on others. I currently am without my license and a car(although that is being fixed shortly) and asking for a ride is one of my biggest pet peeves. It makes me embarrassed that I am 28 and without the fundamental things needed to be an adult. I don’t care if it was because of health issues and then a lack of reliable people to practice driving with, I hate it and I try not to tell the people in my life about it as much as possible. I build my own furniture(thank you, IKEA or the Wal-Mart version of this, for letting me be an independent white woman who don’t need no man!), fix things around the apartment, and pay my own bills without help. And that’s the way I like it.

I’m an educated woman and I have come to the realization that I don’t want a man in my life who cannot match my intellect. I’m not into men who don’t want to better their lives, or men who need to make themselves feel like a man by belittling and controlling the woman in their lives. I want a man who I can talk theology, philosophy, politics, history, book themes, and more with. If that makes me a snob, I guess that’s what I am. I don’t dislike other kinds of men, I just know that the kind of man for me is the kind who I can have a deep conversation with, who will treat me like an equal, because he knows that I am an equal. I don’t care how long it will take me to find a man like that, either; I’ve spent 9 years miserably, I am willing to take my time finding the right man.

So my advice to all you single people out there, whether it’s a new thing or if you’ve been single a while now, is to get to know yourself, know what you want and who you are, and to find the strength needed to be proud of who you are, no matter what others may say or do.

–Marie Out.

Oh! Here’s a song for you. I was looking at new songs that came out on Spotify, while writing this, and this song popped up and I think it fits PERFECTLY with the theme of the blog post. Because, due to all of the stuff I went through in that relationship, I was able to finally make a break and rediscover myself. I’m thankful for that. And even though I don’t like the person he was, I hope that he was able to find himself and become a better person.

Enjoy!

 

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2 thoughts on “Lost and Found

  1. Love the song! I’ve never seen that video before either. Completely agree with you too. I’ve always been something of a loner, and unapologetic about it. I work best on my own, always have. Sure, I can put on a great act at being a social person, and many people think I am – but I’m really not 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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