Lost Causes

I write a lot about the things that are going on in my life. The other day, I wrote about the date that ended up not showing up, leaving me sitting in a coffee shop for a half hour before I chose to stand up and walk out. I’ve written about how I have to work all the time in order to make ends meet, because there’s only one person in the household supporting everything–me. I’ve talked about the overwhelming loneliness and stress that comes from being alone day in and day out because of being single. All of these things seem hard to deal with, but are something that just comes with life. Sometimes things don’t go the way you want them to.

However, I haven’t written about the choices I’ve made that left bridges burned. I haven’t talked about how, when I was with my ex husband, I cut a lot of people out of my life. He was so controlling, so guilty about what he was doing in secret, that when I had anybody that I seemed to be happy talking to and spending time with, whether it was a threat or not, he made it so impossible to be friends with them that I just cut ties. I’ve had so many people come in and out of my life because he made it unbearable to be friends with them as well as be with him. Yet, that choice–the choice to cut ties with people who made me happy–was all me. I chose to stop talking with people, I chose not to hang out with people, because it was easier to leave them behind than it was to try to keep them in my life.

There have been times in my past, whether I was with my ex-husband(at the time we were not married, but still) or whether we were separated, that I let good people, good men, slip through my fingers. Those men were the type that I now am holding out for–intelligent, funny, successful, nerdy, and caring(or I thought they were, that’s how I picture them being in my mind at least). I was so happy spending time with those people, they made me feel special, wanted, worth something. Now they’re unavailable, whether because they are with somebody or because they live many miles away, and I metaphorically shoot myself in the foot because now that I am free of that weight that was the horrible relationship I was in, I see what I lost.

What’s worse is that while I was able to attract those kinds of men in the past without even trying to, now I have the impossible task of trying to find somebody like that now that I am single. It’s hard to meet people in rural Maine, and even harder without your license and car(soon to be fixed though!), that the alternative is online dating. The trouble with that, though, is that the men that I would like to date are hard to come by on there. I’ve connected with two people on these dating sites(OKCupid and POF)-two people–in the span of a year and a half that meet the standards I have. Of those two people, I went on two dates with the first before he stated he wasn’t ready to date(then why are you on a dating site??) and the second one never showed up for our date. It’s slim pickings out there for me and I’m starting to see the whole dating thing as a lost cause. Especially without a license and a car.

There’s been a few times where I thought that a friend, whether an old friend, a newly made one, or a reconnected friend from my past, might be the connection that I was waiting for. They say that friendship is the best starting point for a relationship, and I do tend to make friends easier with a man than a woman, though I am not attracted to most of those friends–they are just friends. Some of those friends, though, I would consider dating. However, that doesn’t pan out, they aren’t interested and there’s another lost cause.

So I’m left with lost causes and high hopes. A terrible combination.

I am glad that I was able to reconnect with one of these gentlemen, however, that I mentioned above. I was able to apologize for my actions and hopefully friendship will come from it. I would have liked to try again for a relationship with that person, but he lives so far away that it is impossible for that to happen. But I was able to try to make things right and at least I gained a friend out of it–hopefully. So that’s not a total lost cause. Just mostly haha.

I’m also very thankful that I could reconnect with friends that I had made before I even knew my ex, as well as friends I made during the experience. I am thankful that people that I knew opened their hearts to me once again, even after the disconnection due to another person. Those people have the biggest hearts and I aim to be more like them. Thank you!

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