Past Transgretions

I’ve always had a hard time letting go of the past. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I have done so many things that I regret and wish I could fix. Maybe there are people in my past that have since then disappeared from my life, whether it is by death or through bridges burning. All I know is, when I think about the past, it makes my stomach nauseous and my heart ache.

Part of the issue is that I hate when somebody has a bad opinion of me, especially when they don’t know the whole picture. When I was in grade school, I lived with an abusive mother. Coming out of that and moving to a home with a father that I had never known, I ended up being pretty rebellious. On top of that, I didn’t really have insurance, so I wasn’t able to keep my diabetes in check. So my hormones were out of wack, I was always cranky or depressed, and I hated the life I had been given. Along the way, I met a boy who was wonderful. But I was young, and with everything going on, I ruined that connection. Once the regret set in, I struggled to get him to understand, so that we could at least be friends again. Those attempts just made things worse, and now he hates me. Which I can understand. But the thought of him hating me, of losing that connection, still haunts me.

It was 15 years ago, and it still haunts me.

I always think that there is something wrong with me, to have this thing that happened 15 years ago still cause me grief. I get that the people we were back then do not exist now, and that the connection probably would have been lost anyway due to time and growth. Yet this past transgretion still causes my stomach to turn in knots and makes my heart twist. I don’t know why I cannot just put this in the past.

It’s not just this one connection.  Anybody that I lose, any dream that gets lost along the path of time, makes me regret. But this first connection is the worst. Why is that? Why can’t I just let go of that memory? Why do I cling to things that are long since gone? It’s like I am living in the past, wasting away my present and killing whatever future I might have.

It’s so frustrating.


I try to share new music with you guys. Maybe you have heard the songs I share before, maybe I am introducing them to you for the first time. Who knows? I just try to share new things with you guys. However, the songs I share with you guys are usually more than just new songs that I discovered on Spotify. The songs I share with you guys have something in them that touches my soul, that brings out an emotional response in me, or bring me back to life through their good-feel vibes.

This song that I am sharing with you is more somber than the upbeat songs that we can hear on the radio. This one reminds us all of the pain we go through in life, and the effects they leave us with after.

Listen and enjoy (odd wording, seeing as it is a more sad, emotional song, but still 😉 )

Battle Scars by Lupe Fiasco and Guy Sebastian

The Reality of It All


I have three things I want to discuss today. Those three things are this–standards, dreams, and realities. Standards are the things you set for yourself or the things that are set for you by the people around you, as well as society. Dreams are the things we build for ourselves–dreams of a nice home, large property, great relationship, successful career, killer bod–and then strive to make real. Realities are the truths that lie behind the veils of the previous two things–what is actually achievable due to factors in our lives, such as health issues, financial situations, familial responsibilities, and education.


Standards are important factors in our lives. They keep us striving for the best. Jobs have performance standards so that they can function to their upmost capabilities. Relationships have standards to keep them working well–this is imperitive since there are two people involved who possibly have different viewpoints; standards allow them to see what is acceptable in that particular relationship and keep them to strive to make the relationship working.

When a person makes standards for themselves, they are setting the bar for their own actions, their own desires in other people, jobs, properties, education, etc, etc. What happens, though, if that bar is set at a high post? What happens when everybody and everything that comes to reach for that bar cannot reach it because it is so high? Does the person who set the bar lower it? Or do they keep it at that level to weed out the sub-par people and jobs and houses and cars and whatever else that come through? Does it make you seem egotistical to have standards set so high? Or does it show how much you value your happiness and yourself by keeping things out that won’t make you happy?


As a person grows and lives their lives, they make a dream for themselves. For some, it’s the big family, white picket fence dream. For others, it’s to have a successful career, have money, and all that entails. For others, it’s to make a difference in society, whether it be through volunteer work, through peace core, or whatever it is that they spend their time on in order to give back. Whatever the dream is, they build it up in their mind and they work towards that dream.

What, then, should a person do if their life doesn’t seem to be bringing them to that dream? For whatever reason, however hard they work, they can’t reach the end goal. It could be due to lack of money, or due to having familial responsibilities, or due to health issues. Do they make a new dream, one that they can obtain? Do they keep grasping hold of that dream so tight that they have it in a choke-hold and end up killing it, or themselves, in the process? Or do they adapt their dream so that the end result is the same, but the details are slightly altered?


Reality is that thing that lurks behind the veil of our dreams and standards. It acts as a weight, keeping us grounded so we don’t overextend ourselves with our dreams. Reality is a piece of humble pie, making sure that we are not setting our standards too high, that we don’t become vain in our opinion of ourselves and our worth.

What happens, however, when we don’t pay attention to reality? What happens when we fail to see our limits? Does it become a problem if we over value ourselves? In a society where bigger-than-life images are plastered all over the magazines, internet and television, is it vanity to think that we can do something just as big for ourselves?

As always, leave your responses in the comments below.


The Scoop on Women


  • Not every woman wants to go shopping. And if we do want to go shopping, that rare occurrence, it’s not always about clothing. For some of us, it’s for books, movies, CDs or records. Don’t just assume that every woman has an addiction to shoes.
  • Not every woman is into “the manly man”. I mean, sure, looking at muscular, attractive men on the tv screen or in magazines is one thing, but in real life, some women are actually more concerned about what is beneath the surface. Some women prefer intellectuals or geeks or hippy-like men over the muscular, jock type man or the lawyer/doctor/man-in-power-position type men. And not every woman wants a muscle man. We’re not all shallow like that.
  • We’re not all crazy cat ladies! Some of us are crazy dog ladies. 😛 You know what I mean. The ones that are so lonely that they have a house full of animals and their home smells, and they are dressing up their pets in costumes to entertain themselves. They throw birthday parties for their pets and carry around tons of polaroids of them. Yeah. We’re not all like that.
  • Not all of us are so desperate to be in a relationship that we will settle for any man that asks us out with a cheesy pick up line. Some of us have standards. Some of us know our own worth. Some of us know that we would be happier on our own, struggling to put a roof over our heads than settling for somebody who will not make us happy just for the sake of safety.
  • Not all of us are after your husbands, ladies! As stated previously, some of us have standards. Some of us live by moral rules that we have set for ourselves.
  • Sometimes we are friends with a guy just for the friendship. We’re not always using that friendship to get in your pants. Sometimes we just have more in common with the guys around us than we do with the women we work with, are on the PTA board with, or whatnot.
  • We don’t like it when you supplement actual attention and feelings towards us with things that you buy for us. You can’t buy us off with pretty jewelry and whatever else we’re into (or NOT into).

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I hope you found this educational. If you have any questions, leave them in the comments below and I will get back to you.

Thank you for reading!

Type 1 Diabetes–What You Need To Know


So I recently reconnected with a buddy of mine. Hadn’t talked to him in a few years and I recently added him onto Facebook. I truck up a conversation, you know the kind, where you ask things like, “How have you been?” and “What do you do for fun these days?” and you mention things like, “Oh, I see you got married, congratulations!”. You do the expected ‘renewal of contact’ ritual where you make small talk to get to know where the other person stands in life.

While in the process of this ‘ritual’, my buddy says that he was done with the Army. I asked him what had influenced him to get done, and he said, “I was on the fence about staying in or not while going through school, then my pancreas stopped working so I got medically discharged. Choice was made up for me, so there is that.” Having pancreas issues myself, I got a sick feeling in my stomach and asked him what was wrong with his pancreas, which he responded with “type 1 diabetes”.

Now, my buddy is really healthy. I mean, you have to be in order to stay in the military for as long as he has been in. So the diabetes obviously wasn’t brought on by weight issues or diet issues. The last time I had seen him, he was towering over me, muscles galore, speaking with this deep voice I hadn’t expected from him (it was the first and only time we have met in person). He was the epitome of health.

Which is why, unfortunately, he is the perfect example to give to people when they say, “Diabetes is caused because you eat too much cake.”

I have to say, as somebody who has had it for 25 years, diagnosed at a very young age, that this saying that people have, that cake causes “diabeetus”, really bugs me. It just shows that these people have no idea what they are talking about. The fact that they think that all diabetes is caused by poor diet and lack of exercise just astounds me.

Type 1 Diabetes is not, in fact, caused by obesity. That is Type 2 Diabetes. Type 1 Diabetes is caused by a genetic coding within a person. If you don’t have the genetic code for Type 1 Diabetes, then you don’t have the risk of getting it. However, if you do have the code for Type 1 Diabetes, and then something triggers your immune system, then your immune system starts attacking your pancreas. This causes the immune system to destroy the cells within your pancreas that creates insulin.

Your body needs insulin to allow your cells to store energy, A.K.A. glucose, A.K.A. carbohydrates, in your body. Without the insulin needed to store energy in our body, the sugar just stays floating around in your blood stream instead of giving you the energy that you need to function. So your body cells start taking the energy from the fat on your body.

That’s why it’s ridiculous to think that all Diabetics are obese. Especially when they are first diagnosed. This is because, for a Type 1 Diabetic, when your blood sugars are not in control(which happens every time somebody is diagnosed), usually that person has lost a lot of weight. This is due to their body trying to get energy where they can–from the fat on a person’s body.

Once a person’s Diabetes is under control and that person has been educated on how to control their Diabetes on their own, you usually see a change in diet and exercise. A Diabetic’s diet is mostly protein and vegetables, because those have the least carbohydrates. Carbohydrates, as I mention earlier, are what is stored in your body as fat, A.K.A. energy. The more carbs you eat, the more insulin you have to take in order to stay healthy. The more insulin you take, the more energy is stored in your body, creating fat. It is always in a Diabetic’s best interest to limit the amount of carbohydrates they eat. This is because the more fat you have on your body, the more insulin you have to take in order for the insulin to function at its best.

So, if a Type 1 Diabetic is managing their diabetes the correct way, then you won’t see an obese Type 1 Diabetic. Obesity doesn’t create Type 1 Diabetes, genetics do.


I might have mentioned this in previous posts, but I will mention it again, as it pertains to tonight’s blog post. I love animals. When I say that I love animals, I don’t just mean dogs and cats–although I do own a small circus of them, with owning two dogs and three cats in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I mean farm animals and wild animals as well. I am a big believer in treating any living thing in a manner that I would want to be treated in. This applies to animals, not just people.

So when I say this next part, you can take me extremely seriously.

I find poaching disgusting.

Poaching, not hunting.

I’m completely okay if a person hunts for food, because then that person is using the animal it killed for a reason. I am even more for the Native American thought process, where they use everything when they have to take a life, and they give thanks to the animal for the life that the animal gave so that the person could live on. I respect that. I try to mirror that belief and practice.

I am not okay with the idea that somebody has gone out with a gun, to take the life of an animal, and they don’t plan to eat it.

There are many reasons why a person takes this kind of action. One reason is that they took that animal’s life because they were scared of it. Fear tends to be out of ignorance–people fear what they do not understand–and people do thoughtless, often unnecessary things out of fear.

Another reason is that the animal they killed was killing their livestock. Honestly, I’m not a farmer. I don’t know about the process of farming. I do, however, know that there is always a better option if one researches and puts the efforts into carrying out a different method than just shooting an animal. After all, that animal is probably killing livestock and eating garden goods because the habitat in which it normally hunts has been invaded by humans and food then becomes scarce. At this point, the animal goes and steals what it can. An example of this can be seen with how the wolves have been treated in numerous places, including Alaska, Wyoming, Idaho and Montana. Here are the links from articles where this can be seen being reported. Some of these places even went as far as shooting at the animals from planes above.

The New Threat to Wolves in and around Yellowstone

Alaska to Kill Wolves To Inflate Game Herds

New Ruling Allows Mother Wolves & Pups to be Killed on National Wildlife Refuges

Another reason why humans kill animals is, apparently, for the sport of it. Trophy hunting. Some people think that going after a wild animal, who is only armed with what nature gave it–teeth, claws, venom (yes, scary, but still natural)–while armed with a gun, is a sport that is thrilling. Don’t even mention the fact that a gun is not a weapon that nature gave to humans. It’s something we created, something that is deadlier, far too efficient, and takes the playing field and puts it far too much in the human’s corner. It’s not a fair fight, that animal has no chance against a bullet in which “the projectile’s initial velocity may be as high as 4000 feet (1200 meters) per second”( So hunters don’t even need to be face to face with said animal. How is that sport? It’s not fair, there’s no struggle, battle, or fight to it. It’s just a person shooting an overpowered weapon at an animal that has no hope of defending itself against a weapon like that.

Lastly, the most sickening reason to kill an animal, even worse than trophy hunting, is poaching. A person kills an animal for whatever the person sees valuable on the animal. For foxes, it’s the pelt. For rhinos, it’s the horns. For elephants, it’s the tusks. For sharks, it’s the fins. For sea turtles, it’s the eggs, meat AND shell. Tigers–pelt, nose leather, eyeballs, tails, bile, whiskers, penis, fat, eggs, teeth, ears and tongue. Leopard–skin. Orangutan–skulls (really? skulls? Come on, people!). Gorillas, lemurs, pangolins–meat, medicinal purposes, their scales. These are just the common ones that people see being advertised all over the news and internet, and this is just the ones that are killed to sell things from. This isn’t including all the animals that are poached ALIVE to sell as pets, or the ones that are poached, actually killed, just because they are deemed a threat.

In comes one of my biggest passions.

I have been a lover of wolves my entire life. When I was little, I loved wolves. Blame Balto, White Fang, The Journey of Natty Gann–I dunno where it came from, but I have loved wolves since I can remember. That was strengthened when I went to Diabetic camp as a grade schooler and met a teacher there, the person who took us on nature hikes and pointed out things we could eat and what not to eat, how to try to not disturb anything because many lives depend on the environment being just the way it was. This man, I don’t remember his name now, he became my pen pal. And every time he wrote to me, he would send these beautiful cards illustrated with images of wolves. From there, I was hooked. In college, I got my first tattoo–a tribal wolf on my right shoulder, a representation of how I view myself.

So when I was on Youtube, looking for a video to share with all my readers, I found this one.

A Wolf Named Romeo

So this wild wolf comes to the edge of this town and starts making friends with all the dogs and people there. It’s wild. I don’t know how or why this wolf would want to do this, but it did. However, the wolf was killed by poachers. These men were hunters from another state who killed the wolf because it was hunting season in Alaska–yes, apparently you can hunt wolves in Alaska, even though they are an endangered species. It is also assumed that the hunters wanted the pelt. I don’t know if that is a certain fact, and if so, what they were going to do with the pelt–sell it or keep it as a “trophy”. However, it is a fact that the wolf was killed. It is also a fact that it was found that the men who did it, killed the wolf illegally.

Here’s the thing, people. We all live on this planet. Just because we are a sentient and intelligent species, it does not make us better or more entitled to this planet than any other species (or race, but let’s not get into that yet). In fact, because of this, it makes it our responsibility to protect this planet and ALL that reside on it, not just the human species. The planet is not here at our disposal. This planet is not disposable. And neither are any of the life forms on it. In fact, without every single thing on this planet, there would not be balance, and the world would soon stop existing as we know it.

My question to you now, after all of my ranting, is this. If you are not going to eat the animal, why do you need to kill it? Isn’t it our responsibility, being the overwhelmingly dominant species on this planet, to protect the species that also live on this planet? Isn’t it our duty, as a species that is taking over every other species’ habitat, to find a way to co-exist, to not kill animals for taking livestock but to find a way to keep them out? Isn’t it our duty to try to keep the balance of nature through protecting the factors of that nature–the animals, the plants, the water, the air? Or am I wrong in my thinking?

As always, leave your comments–respectfully–below.




Get Busy Living

So lately I have been wanting to do more with my life. I mean, actually do more with my life instead of just dreaming up these big dreams. I have many talents and they are just sitting on the sidelines, while people who I went to school with are making records, becoming movie stars, becoming a corporate member of an international banking company and taking trips around the world. I don’t want to be one of those persons who is born, lives, and dies in one place.

So here is tonight’s theme song. I just discovered it tonight and I think it is perfect. Plus it gives you a vibe for one of the types of music I adore.


Get Busy Living by Goldfish ft. Emily Bruce