Blog

Life: Updated

So I managed to get a car with the help of a good friend of mine. It’s a 2013 Ford Focus SE Hatchback. 64K miles on it. It’s a great little car for me to learn on. I also got my Driver’s Test date back, which I go for on the 22nd. I start my new job at the same school I have been subbing at the day after my test. Got some debt taken care of with the help of the same friend. So things are looking up for me. I just need to find a small part time job where I can work maybe 10 hours a week, and then I will be good to go.

Independence

My life has not always been the easiest life. Granted, there are those out there who have it way worse, and I do not deny that in comparison to those people, my life is great. However, in comparison to others, my life is still pretty measly. I don’t have money in savings, nor does my job pay me enough to break even. I can’t drive myself around (yet) and I am always eager to see extra groceries that people bring me or my animals. I don’t have a lot of friends and even the ones I do have either do not live close enough to see or they are too busy to hang out with me. My family is the same way, at least the ones that actually reach out to me. Without a proper job, means of transportation and a support system, life can be pretty bleak.

Therefore, the things that I can do for myself mean that much more to me. Making my own decisions, paying my own bills, taking care of my own animals–that kind of thing makes a difference to somebody like me. It staves off depression, it staves off desperation. That’s important business right there.

Therefore, people who try to tell me how to live my life, what decisions I should make, how I should dress, speak, or handle situations, drive me nuts. I do not like being told what to do. I know my life is not perfect, I’m young, but that doesn’t mean I am incapable of making my own choices. I don’t need people putting their nose in where it doesn’t belong without invitation from me. I am almost 30. That’s an adult. I’m not a teenager, or somebody just in their 20s who has no life experience. I’ve been through a lot of things in my life, and I can decide what is good for me and what is not.

So kindly stop trying to run my life.

Resting

“How do you spend time resting?”

Well, when I’m exhausted, whether it be physically or emotionally/mentally, I tend to watch television or read a book. I turn to anything that will take my mind away from whatever has me exhausted.

Stories have always been that escape for me, ever since I was old enough to read. I grew up in a very unhappy household. My mother was not a very pleasant woman, and my step father could be very dis-likable as well. My father, God rest his soul, was not in the picture till I was in high school. My life has never been easy; for as long as I can remember, I have suffered through life. So stories allowed me to get away from that suffering.

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time sitting in my room, a book pressed to my nose(not literally, of course). I would get lost in worlds where girls were strong, independent, who fought off evil with a sword in their hand and good friends at their backs. As I grew older, that didn’t change–my literary world just expanded to involve worlds where men were gentlemen and ladies were witty and strong-willed, or where women shape-shifted into coyotes and ran with packs of werewolves. I would read anything that would bring me release from the troubled life I led.

Now, as an adult, I tend to read a bit less and watch television a bit more(when I was a kid, I never watched television, and watching tv was a form of punishment from my mother). However, my taste in stories, whether in paper form or on the tv, has not changed. I still delve into stories where the strong, independent woman wields dragons against her enemies, or fends off greedy men’s advances in favor of a more genteel suitor. These things, these escapes, are more restful for me than anything else ever could be, especially when my furry Australian Shepherd is curled up in my lap giving me comfort as well. So that’s how I spend my time resting.

Standards

I’m not a fussy person, when it comes to relationships. I don’t need fancy jewelry, expensive chocolates and exotic flowers sent to me to impress me. I don’t need to be whisked off to Paris for a weekend of fun. I don’t need 8-week old puppies brought to me daily so I can use them to dry myself off after my daily shower. I don’t need to be taken to fancy restaurants or on shopping sprees to have money blown on me for no good reason. I don’t need any of those things, and I make sure that whoever I am involved with knows this.

I do, however, need the person on the other side of the relationship to show some damned class.

I use dating sites to meet people, because frankly, it’s hard to meet anybody in rural Maine. Especially without a vehicle(hopefully that will be fixed shortly). I know that dating sites are known for their crass members, people looking for one night stands or just somebody for the benefit of the physical relationship. However, I make sure to put in my profile that I am not looking for those things. I let people know right off the bat that though I may not be looking for marriage at the moment, I am definitely not looking for something that only lasts one night.

It’s funny, then, how people approach me on these dating sites. I wish I saved the messages I get from the guys on these things, because some of them are just mind-blowing. I get things like, “hot body” or “hey beautiful” or “wanna get f***ed”. Like, for real, it’s cray-cray the ways some people approach a person for the first time. When I message somebody for the first time, I take a look over their profile, find something that we both have in common and make a pretty lengthy message about the common interest and how it would be worthwhile to get to know each other because of it. Or, if we don’t have much in common, I will ask them about the thing that interests me on their profile, like if they snowboard or whatnot. But no. I get, “You’re hot” or “You’re sexy”. It’s like they don’t even put in an effort, they just see my image on the website and start panting. I’m not even that hot! I’m an average-looking woman, I just dress well and carry myself respectfully.

I guess maybe the reason why this is shocking to me is because I have standards of what I look for in a man. I like a man with class. A man who dresses well, thinks intelligently, has a great sense of humor, who is also into nerdy things such as myself–that’s the kind of man that I look for. I usually look for a man that has an education that is near my own, so that I know that they will appreciate what I have been through to get my education, as well as the fact that I know we will have decent conversations, not just something about sports or whatnot. Maybe these standards are what make me think to myself, what the hell were they thinking by sending me that as their first message.

I guess if the woman who they are messaging with these comments are into that sort of thing and looking for the same outcome, then it will work out for them. It’s just strange that I get them when I put in my profiles that I am looking for something more than a hookup. But then, if they’re not even reading my profile and they come at me like that, then it’s saving me the hassle of getting to know them before they show their true colors. Who knows.

There’s my thoughts for the day. Enjoy.

Chasing Cars

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my many failed attempts at a relationship, it’s that you can’t force somebody to love you, or even just like you. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do to get that specific person to return your feelings, it just doesn’t matter. If the person doesn’t feel for you the way that you feel for them, then the situation is a lost cause. Don’t bother trying. Whatever attempts you make to reach said person will only drive them away further. Any messages you send, whatever hang out arrangements you design, whatever hobbies you pick up in the hopes of you two bonding over it, it doesn’t matter. Even worse, most of the time your efforts, well-meant as they may be, will end up making you appear obsessed, psychotic even, depending on how the person views the attention they are receiving from you.

I learned this the hard way, of course. My ex-husband was a prime example of this. I thought that if I tried as hard as I could, it would influence his decisions and he would end up staying with me, returning the feelings I felt instead of searching for them in the arms of another woman. But… it didn’t, to say the least. In relationships after that, I still had a hard time realizing that if one person in a relationship isn’t feeling it, then the relationship is doomed. Even with friends, I had a hard time just loosening up and matching their efforts instead of going all out. I don’t know why that was. Whether it was because I just cared about the person that damned much, or because I was just afraid–afraid of a future without that person or afraid of just being alone–I’m not sure. The fact was, though, that I just had difficulties cutting ties with people and it would make me physically sick wondering why my efforts weren’t getting results.

Now I have this motto that I live by: I don’t chase after people. You don’t want to go on a date with me? Okay. You don’t want to hang out and catch up for old time’s sake? That’s fine. You do you, and I’ll do me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I care deeply for the people that come in to my life; that’s the blessing and the curse that I live with. No, it just means that I care about myself first–at least in situations where the feelings–friendship, comraderie, passion, etc–are not matched.

As a single woman, I have to look out for my well-being–my finances, my emotions, my health(both mental and physical)–first before I can really take someone else’s needs in to consideration. Nobody is going to sacrifice their own lives, time or livelihood for me. So I have to do it all myself. Which is fine. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Sometimes this attitude can come off cold, and it isn’t meant to be. It’s just a safety mechanism for an individual.

The point I’m trying to make, the advice I’m trying to give to others out there who are going through similar things, is to make sure you’re not sacrificing yourself for the wrong people. Don’t chase after people who don’t care about you. Only make an effort for those who actually give a fig about you. You’ll know that they care. They’ll be responding to your messages as much as humanly possible (be realistic, though, because people have jobs and lives), they’ll be agreeing to Game Nights, whether on the table-top or on the computer. They’ll be calling you, giving you help when you need it, making you laugh when you’re sad. Actions speak louder than words as well–if they say they want to be friends, but never make time with you, then they probably don’t care, but if they actually do things to be a part of your life, then that shows that they mean what they say. Bottom line? They’ll be making an effort to be a part of your life. Those are the people it’s okay to chase after, because they’ll be chasing after you too.

Lost Causes

I write a lot about the things that are going on in my life. The other day, I wrote about the date that ended up not showing up, leaving me sitting in a coffee shop for a half hour before I chose to stand up and walk out. I’ve written about how I have to work all the time in order to make ends meet, because there’s only one person in the household supporting everything–me. I’ve talked about the overwhelming loneliness and stress that comes from being alone day in and day out because of being single. All of these things seem hard to deal with, but are something that just comes with life. Sometimes things don’t go the way you want them to.

However, I haven’t written about the choices I’ve made that left bridges burned. I haven’t talked about how, when I was with my ex husband, I cut a lot of people out of my life. He was so controlling, so guilty about what he was doing in secret, that when I had anybody that I seemed to be happy talking to and spending time with, whether it was a threat or not, he made it so impossible to be friends with them that I just cut ties. I’ve had so many people come in and out of my life because he made it unbearable to be friends with them as well as be with him. Yet, that choice–the choice to cut ties with people who made me happy–was all me. I chose to stop talking with people, I chose not to hang out with people, because it was easier to leave them behind than it was to try to keep them in my life.

There have been times in my past, whether I was with my ex-husband(at the time we were not married, but still) or whether we were separated, that I let good people, good men, slip through my fingers. Those men were the type that I now am holding out for–intelligent, funny, successful, nerdy, and caring(or I thought they were, that’s how I picture them being in my mind at least). I was so happy spending time with those people, they made me feel special, wanted, worth something. Now they’re unavailable, whether because they are with somebody or because they live many miles away, and I metaphorically shoot myself in the foot because now that I am free of that weight that was the horrible relationship I was in, I see what I lost.

What’s worse is that while I was able to attract those kinds of men in the past without even trying to, now I have the impossible task of trying to find somebody like that now that I am single. It’s hard to meet people in rural Maine, and even harder without your license and car(soon to be fixed though!), that the alternative is online dating. The trouble with that, though, is that the men that I would like to date are hard to come by on there. I’ve connected with two people on these dating sites(OKCupid and POF)-two people–in the span of a year and a half that meet the standards I have. Of those two people, I went on two dates with the first before he stated he wasn’t ready to date(then why are you on a dating site??) and the second one never showed up for our date. It’s slim pickings out there for me and I’m starting to see the whole dating thing as a lost cause. Especially without a license and a car.

There’s been a few times where I thought that a friend, whether an old friend, a newly made one, or a reconnected friend from my past, might be the connection that I was waiting for. They say that friendship is the best starting point for a relationship, and I do tend to make friends easier with a man than a woman, though I am not attracted to most of those friends–they are just friends. Some of those friends, though, I would consider dating. However, that doesn’t pan out, they aren’t interested and there’s another lost cause.

So I’m left with lost causes and high hopes. A terrible combination.

I am glad that I was able to reconnect with one of these gentlemen, however, that I mentioned above. I was able to apologize for my actions and hopefully friendship will come from it. I would have liked to try again for a relationship with that person, but he lives so far away that it is impossible for that to happen. But I was able to try to make things right and at least I gained a friend out of it–hopefully. So that’s not a total lost cause. Just mostly haha.

I’m also very thankful that I could reconnect with friends that I had made before I even knew my ex, as well as friends I made during the experience. I am thankful that people that I knew opened their hearts to me once again, even after the disconnection due to another person. Those people have the biggest hearts and I aim to be more like them. Thank you!