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Settling

One of the struggles I seem to face as a single lady is this:

Should I settle?

By settle, I mean be with somebody who is less than what I want in a partner, just for the sake of being with somebody. Lowering expectations to cast a wider range–throwing a bigger net to catch more fish, yada yada.

I’m not talking about appearance, though finding somebody who I was attracted to would be a bonus. I’m not talking about a muscled, fit, brown haired, blue eyed babe with a deep, velvety voice, a bit on the short side but broad. No, looks are nice but they aren’t exactly what I mean by settling, because eventually looks fade, and then you are left with what is under the surface.

What I’m talking about is personality. Nerdy, funny, intelligent, educated (no, educated and intelligent are NOT the same thing, thank you very much), kind, loyal, self-reliant–these are all things that COULD be looked for in a person. If I listed them, then they are things I personally look for, but they could be different for another person. I look for somebody who is not a druggie, who has a car and a job, possibly has their own place or rooms with somebody other than their parents. Somebody who is doing something with their life.

However, I have yet to find this person, and I have been looking for almost two years.

Hence the question–should I lower my expectations?

Am I holding myself too high in regard? Am I expecting too much?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not the most intelligent person in the world (I mean, hey, I’m not Einstein after all), nor am I the most fit person (I can still see my toes though!!!), or the most attractive (although I am not hideous). 22815114_10210638093374631_5528202208893148013_n

 

I’m just your average girl next door. But that’s okay, because it leaves room for my personality instead of just my appearance. And I have a lot of personality. I am funny, intelligent (I mean, I have a BA, and am working on my master’s, so you kind of have to be smart enough to make it this far), I’m sweet and stubborn, nerdy and outdoorsy, musical and a food-nut. I’m pretty awesome.

Or at least that’s what I tend to think.

Lately, I have been thinking that maybe I am not as awesome as I think I am. I mean, there’s gotta be a reason why I am still single, right? Maybe I’m not even a bit attractive, and I just think I am. Maybe I’m not as funny as I think, or as smart as I think. Maybe I am just on the bottom rung of the food chain, and nobody wants the bottom rung. I dunno. That’s just where my thoughts are taking me.

Maybe I should just settle for somebody who has a job, who is sort of okay, and be thankful. Maybe I should just take whatever I can get. But I feel like I can do better than that. But maybe that’s my delusion right there–thinking I can get better than what I really can.

I dunno.I-think-I-want-to-stay-single-meme

 

Give Me Love

The song of the day, to match my mood.

Give Me Love–Ed Sheeran

The holidays can be rough as a single person. Granted, there are upsides to this as well–not spending as much money on gifts for people that you aren’t related to by blood, not having to break up your time into smaller blocks to fit more people in, yada yada. Like with everything in life, there are pros and cons to being single, especially in the holiday season. But when you wake up alone, go through your day alone, and go to bed at night alone, it gets depressing. At first, you think it’s great, you have the whole bed to yourself, you don’t have to answer to anybody, you don’t have to worry about being pretty on days where you feel like crap because nobody is going to see you anyways, so why bother putting make up on? But after that, it gets old. I’ve been single for almost 2 years now, and I am at that point.

I’m sick of it.

Especially around the holidays. I want somebody to go on sleigh rides with, walk through the falling snow hand in hand with, somebody to sit with while drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies with. Somebody to spend time with. I don’t care about getting presents, I don’t care about being taken out for dinner, or any of that money business. I just want to be able to have somebody special in my life.

I always thought that it was the no-license thing that kept me single. It was the main reason why my last boyfriend broke up with me, or at least that’s what he said. But now that I am in possession of my driver’s license, I still have yet to go on a single date. It makes me wonder if it is me after all, and not the license.

Oh well. It is what it is. Just wish that some things would change.

Grateful…

20.) For this week. For this Thursday being Thanksgiving, and this, today, being Monday. Almost done with all this Thanksgiving madness. Then the Christmas madness can begin. Ugh.

Finished washing dishes tonight after getting home from working all day, running to the grocery store to grab the last of my Thanksgiving foodses; $200 dollars later, we should be all set. And that’s with me trimming down all the goodies this year. I was going to make cookies, cheesecake, pie–what I’m ending up making is homemade stuffing, sweet potatoes (not with those nasty little marshmallows on them, the good kind with butter and brown sugar), regular mashed potatoes (my oldest nephew’s favorite), turnip, deviled eggs, a veggie platter, homemade biscuits, chips and dip, a couple store bought pies (don’t yell at me, they were for my birthday but I didn’t end up eating them, so why waste?) and… I think that’s it? Unless I decide I want to throw something together with the leftover ingredients I have.

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Anyway. I still have to clean off my kitchen counters, my kitchen table, my coffee table, vacuum, clean the kitty litter boxes, put my laundry away, organize my bathroom, clean off my desk, organize my guest room… anything else? Oh yes! I still have to finish putting plastic up around the windows in the apartment so I don’t freeze my ass off up here in the sticks of Maine.

I’m tired, I’ve caught a cold, and I don’t have any time to just take a breather.

Gotta love the holidays.

Thankful

Wow I’m really behind on this. Sorry guys, it was the end of my semester at SNHU and I had to finish a bunch of stuff. So let’s get back on track. Nine more things I am thankful for.

11. Weekends. I work at a middle school. With special needs kiddos. Who don’t know how to cover their mouths when they sneeze, or to use hand sanitizer when they blow their nose. So, I’ve come down with a cold. I am thankful for weekends because it allows me to get the rest I need to try to fight off this icky, nasty, nose-festering plague they call the cold.

12. Music. I love music. That’s originally what I was going to go to school for. If I had had my license at that point, I definitely would have. Alas, I didn’t, so I got my B.A. in English instead of Music performance. However, I still love music. It feeds my soul. It gives me energy to start the day, it helps me express myself when I cannot find the words to the feelings I am having. It brings memories, good and bad, back to the front of my mind. I never feel so creative or happy than when I am playing music or listening to it.

13. Coffee. Again, I work in a middle school. I have to get up early. Like, 5:30AM early. I have to make it through a whole day of not being able to sit still to catch my breath, having to be patient when I just want to pull my hair out, because I know that the kiddos I work with can’t help what they are doing–it’s not their fault. Coffee helps me stay on my toes, have energy and patience to deal with the roughest days. I ❤ you, Maxwell House.

14. My nephews. I love them so much. Even when they are having the worst days. They make me feel like somebody loves and appreciates me, even when *I* am having the worst day. They make me laugh, they make me feel wanted and needed. They are the best. I love you guys!

15. Jane Austen. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I am thankful for Jane Austen. She fills my lonely days with visions of handsome men dressed in class, treating women like gentlemen. It reminds me that even though I am lonely, I should not settle for less than I deserve, because I won’t be happy that way. Thank you, Jane Austen.

16. My coworker, Sabrina. She’s awesome. We are very different, but I definitely appreciate her. She gives me tips at work, and makes suggestions that are helpful for my outside-of-school life. In a day filled with working with kiddos who don’t talk to me, she is my voice of sanity. Thanks Sabrina for keeping me sane and giving me advice! You make coming to work that much better!

17. Facebook. I love facebook because A.) It allows me to keep in touch with friends and family even when I cannot see them and B.) It allows me to spread my nerdiness with awesome nerdy posts. 😀

18. The internet. It allows me to avoid people and still pay my bills, check my bank account, get recipes, order Christmas presents. I love that.

19. Wax burners. They help me keep my house from smelling like wet dogs and kitty litter boxes. God bless you, inventor of the wax burner thingies. ❤

Day 10

Number 10 of what I am thankful for: Memories.

Memories keep people alive in your hearts long after they are gone.

1607012_10202840269993920_6330091197460818711_nMy father being at the top of the list. I love, loved, my father. He was a good man. He worked hard, loved his children, loved his family, respected his mother. He was never cruel, never said a harsh word to me in my entire life. He taught me what it was to be a part of a family–to respect your family, even if you don’t always agree with their decisions. He never made me feel guilty for not visiting as much as I should have–and I should have visited more. He always encouraged me to follow my dreams, even if they were far-fetched. He bought me my first guitar for my 16th birthday, threw me a huge birthday party and didn’t tell my friends and I to stop when we had a frosting fight and got it all over the apartment. My father was an amazing father, and if I ever am lucky enough to be a parent, I want to be just like him.

My oldest friend, Alex Atwood. Man, I adored that boy. Most likely I was in love with him, but I will never know for sure now. I remember him, his cousin Ezra and I horsing around on the playground in 3rd grade when I first started attending their school. He never made fun of me for singing bible songs on the playground or saying I wanted to be a preacher when I grew up. I took my first trip to the ocean with him and Ezra, went to the Olive Garden for the first time with him. He was my first male friend and my first crush, although that didn’t interfere with our friendship at all. I miss that friendship, that closeness that we had that I’ve never really had with anybody else. He was the first one who taught me what acceptance was, and I will never forget that.

522117_10203332879188842_2961797691573678996_nNaj. What a sweet dog he was. Big ol’ brick head, body that was nothing but muscle, a whip tail. Big and muscular, but gentle as a mouse. I loved his big goofy pit-bull grin whenever he was happy, or the barking contests we would get into–he’d bark once, I’d bark back once, and back and forth it went. He let my nephews lay on top of him, not moving, not growling, even when they wouldn’t sit still. He always slept at my side, his nose tucked into the crook of my shoulder, keeping me safe from everything that went bump in the night. He’d climb in the tub for me so I wouldn’t have to lift him, but made everybody else pick him up. He really was the sweetest dog, and I miss him every single day.

The people, the loved ones we lose, are never really gone. They live on within our hearts, visiting us every time a song reminds us of them, or when we see an old photograph of them. Memories are precious, and I will always be thankful for the ones that I have made.

Single Life (haha)

Okay guys! So here’s a ‘single lady’ post for you.

So lately, and by lately I mean the past two months, I have had issues with my left shoulder. Or what I had assumed was my left shoulder. I can’t unhook my bra, take off my shirt, throw a tennis ball for my dogs or shoot hoops with the kiddos at my school. Every time I go to sleep (I sleep on my side), I have to hunch my left arm up in a weird pretzel just to feel comfortable–literally, my arm gets tucked between my boobs and then under my chin and the hand dangles around my neck; it’s not a very comfortable way to sleep.

Anywho, my primary care doctor set me up with some physical therapy, saying it was tendonitis. So I had my first appointment today and let me tell you–yes, it was tendonitis from my shoulder down to my elbow. Not only that, but it was even worse because my Diabetes made it even more aggravated because it was having a hard time healing. Woo.

On top of that though, what really put the icing on the cake, was when the physical therapist was going over her routine questions. Apparently it is routine now to ask if a patient lives alone. Well, let me tell you. I laughed out loud for realz when that was asked of me. I am sure there is some reasonable explanation–like, a patient could get different home treatments and exercises depending on whether they have somebody at home to assist them, or if the person has depression, this could really affect how a physician would go about treating them. But a week from my birthday, being single for almost two years now, it was just like having salt rubbed inside my wound–haha, yes, my wound, because I was there for physical therapy due to an injury, get it? haha.

Anywho, afterwards she asked what my hobbies were, and I said that I take my two dogs for walks regularly and that I play with my cats at home, and then the comment was made by the therapist that I don’t actually live at home alone then. And no, not really, but there’s a difference between animal socialization and human companionship. As much as I love and cater to my pets, I still miss having a person around to do things with–cuddle and watch a movie, cook dinner and eat together, play a game with, go for a car ride–you know, all the little things.

Anywho, it was kind of a weird question and I wanted to share that story with you guys.

~M.R.

Thankful Mark 3

8.) Coffee.

*Enough said.

9.) 3 Day weekends. I am so tired. My legs ache, my shoulder is killing me, and I am just ready to rest up. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and I will probably end up at my friend’s house on Saturday to do laundry. But I also have time to work on some writing, drink coffee, watch some Harry Potter, read some Game of Thrones, and just relax. Oh my Glob I am ready to relax.